Visiting Grandma

Being a mommy to 1, 2, 3 (or more) kids is a full-time, all-consuming job. Caring for an elderly individual is also a full-time, all-consuming job. My mother-in-law (who is now 80 years old) lived with us for 5+ years (that's 5 of the first 6 of our marriage, in case you're wondering). She is unbelievably sweet and just about as non-confrontational as you can get. Having her live here wasn't any trouble...at first. But, as elderly folks sometimes do, she became more needy and a lot more confused. Mr. MOTH and I had agreed from the get-go that she would live with us until one of two things happened. 1) She began to need physical care (i.e. help with bathing or using the restroom, etc.) or 2) It became a danger to either her or our children for her to stay here.

To make a long story short, both things began to occur simultaneously. For me, the fear and stress of having to leave her home alone at any time began to wear on me (she smokes - only outside - but that should say it all). It also became dangerous for her in that she would sometimes walk to the mailbox and not know where she was in relation to the house. It became dangerous for our kids when she started dropping her medications and then forgetting about them. When the boys picked up her pills from the kitchen table one night, I knew we were coming to the close of an era. It was unbelievably difficult for me to have to make this decision. I felt a lot of pressure to keep things status quo, but because it's not a static situation, things HAD to change. My sister-in-law (one of four sisters and a brother to Mr. MOTH) picked up the slack and my MIL now lives with her and her husband. There are not two nicer or more patient people in the world, as far as I'm concerned. And yet, the stress and strain is still hard on them, as well.

Because of this, I've decided to do as much as I can to help her out. She pays someone to come in on the days she has to work (she's a nurse and works 3 days a week for 12 hours, which means she's away from home sometimes as much as 15 hours at a time), but this woman is only there for 1-2 hours. My plan is to go and have lunch and spend some time with MIL while SIL is working, just to alleviate some stress as often as I can. It's not much, but because I live an hour and a half away AND I have 3 small children, it's the best I've got right now. I wish it was more. I wish other people would do more. I wish no one had to do anything, but that's not feasible, either. I've decided to have "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference", God-willing. It's hard, but there it is.


Today was our first trip over and the kids had a great time. They got to spend time at their Aunt and Uncle's house (although they were kinda ticked that they weren't there) and they enjoyed spending time with Grandma. It was a lot more work than I thought it would be, but I did that to myself. I made sure to take a few things for MIL for lunch as well as packing lunch for myself and the kids. I also had to take toys, a highchair, and a gate (for their stairs now that Baby Girl knows how to walk). I also decided (God only knows why) to bake brownies to take along. My MIL has the worst sweet tooth I've ever seen, so I knew she'd appreciate it.

My big question now is whether we made things better or worse. Sometimes when you change a person's routine (meaning a person with diminished memory and mental capacity), you make things worse. But sometimes the comfort of knowing that someone else is there who can take care of "things", whatever they may be, also helps. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Hopefully my SIL will come home and everything will be hunky-dory. I'm hoping my MIL at least remembers we were there, but even if she doesn't, we left evidence. :)