Remember Me

This year will be the first year that we will not be seeing my mother-in-law over the holidays. She's living out of state with my brother-in-law and his wife and it's just too far to try to visit, especially with an infant and a potty-training 2 1/2 year old.

I have two primary emotions about the situation. The first is relief. And, of course, closely following that is guilt. I am relieved that someone else has taken on the burden. I am relieved that I won't have to worry if this will be the year that she can't remember who my kids are. I am relieved that I won't have to worry about her getting lost in the snow when she goes outside to smoke at my parents' house on Christmas Eve. I am relieved that it's no longer my job to make sure her needs are met and she's comfortable and happy.

And I feel so damn guilty for feeling that relief. I spoke with my BIL's wife yesterday. We had sent my MIL a cardigan for Christmas and she asked if they could give it to her early so that she could wear it for the holiday festivities that they have planned. Of course, I told her that was fine, especially knowing that situation and that she likely wouldn't really understand much anyhow. I asked how things were going and, although I'm not really shocked by how her mental state has declined over the last several months I am surprised that she's still living "at home". It is an unbelievable amount of work and stress for his wife and I hope my husband's family realizes what a great service she is providing by delaying what I consider to be an inevitable outcome (they do). My MIL is going to need more professional care than her children or their spouses are going to be able to provide. Even given their respective medical backgrounds I think it's just not possible for a single family to provide 24 hour care and surveillance.

She wanted to call to thank us for her gift yesterday and because we had discussed a time for the call, I was expecting it. I just didn't know how it would go. My oldest really remembers her living here and being a part of his life on a daily basis. He repeatedly asks when he's going to get to see her again and when he speaks to her he asks her that question and tells her how much he misses her. It absolutely breaks my heart. Because no one can tell him when. Or even if. And I think, because of the angst it causes all of us, I have been avoiding contact with her. Cue more guilt. But yesterday, before she hung up the phone she said to me, "I will try to remember you." It was all I could do not to cry in front of my kids.

There is talk of a family reunion for my husband's family (6 siblings, spouses, their children, and their grandchildren). I have it in my head that this needs to happen. And soon. Because I don't want it to occur if she can't remember us. I just don't know how to explain that to a soon-to-be 7 year-old who just wants to see his grandma again.